the next round of the special dreams arrived a few years later when i was temporarily back in the States. in the first dream, i saw my friend Tanja with a large, obviously-pregnant belly. she and i had been very close when i was an exchange student at her German gymnasium nearly a decade earlier, but we hadn’t seen each other or been in touch in at least five years. the dream caught me a bit by surprise…i hadn’t thought of Tanja in ages. it’s almost always an unexpected pleasure to run into old friends while wandering Morpheus’ realm, though, and i just enjoyed the little swell of happiness the dream brought with it instead of thinking too much about whether it meant anything
two months later, i had another dream about Tanja. in this one, she was smiling and bouncing a baby on her knee. this was enough for me to put pen to paper. “did you just have a baby by any chance?” i wrote in the letter that i sent to her. she never did respond, but ten months later when i was visiting friends in Europe before heading off to the Peace Corps, i did get to see Tanja. yes, she’d gotten my letter, but she’d been too busy to respond. her ten-month-old daughter was smiling and babbling at me from her high chair as Tanja acknowledge that it was a pretty strange coincidence. Continue reading →
there’s nothing left. just sadness and rage and grinding isolation. it’s been one year, one month and five days since i said goodbye to the little boy i’d only just said hello to. his loss and his absence are killing me. that eternally optimistic, hopelessly naive girl i once was is gone forever. she died in that same sci-fi hospital room where my son took his last breaths. i know the score. life owes me nothing…not a child who lives, not friends who stick around and weather the storm, not the even a tiny sliver of happiness. hope feels like a word i once heard but no longer understand the meaning of. once a week, i have to pay someone to talk to me in my own language. otherwise it’s just me, alone in my head fighting the despair, the anger, the desire to just give up. friends, family…nearly everyone has disappeared from my life or simply forgotten.
six months ago today, little sun came into this world.
six months ago tomorrow, he left it.
i’m still here, though, reeling and railing and trying so hard to hang on
if you’re someone who stops by this blog regularly, you’ve probably noticed that i’ve been more silent than usual these last few weeks. the month of May was not very kind to me, and i’m still clinging to the ropes and trying to get steady on my feet again after a series of emotional KOs. my therapist tells me again and again that i’m a fighter.
all i can see when i look in the mirror
is someone who’s lost…
almost two weeks ago, i made another trip to Notre Dame, and i planned on posting about it right away, but then life and grief (mostly the latter) got in the way, and i just never got around to it.
then, earlier this week, something truly horrible happened at Notre Dame. i’m not going to waste my blog space talking about it, but i will say that i feel quite lucky. i happened to walk right along back of the cathedral that day, but for once, i didn’t feel like going in and lighting candles. what’s that quote about small favors? Continue reading →
on Monday i finally went back to Notre Dame to light candles for lost babies.
i like to wander my way to places in Paris which means that i rarely go the same way twice. the weather was a bit capricious, going from cloudy to clear, from pleasantly warm to far-too-cool for what i was wearing and back again.
as many of you have noticed, Froggy recently started her own blog, and despite the fact that it is beautifully written, funny and just generally wonderful (and, no, i’m not biased at all), she doesn’t have much of a readership. Francophones seem to be rare among the babylost, or at least she has yet to find them, so her posts go largely unappreciated. recently, she wrote about the struggle for gay rights here in France, and how it has affected her, and us, personally. it’s such a great piece that i couldn’t stand to see it go unread, so i decided to try and translate it. this is my first ever attempt at translating from French into English Continue reading →