Category Archives: ultrasound

i wake and i find you asleep in the deep of my heart

(read part 1, dreaming, i was only dreaming…)

the next round  of the special dreams arrived a few years later when i was temporarily back in the States. in the first dream, i saw my friend Tanja with a large, obviously-pregnant belly. she and i had been very close when i was an exchange student at her German gymnasium nearly a decade earlier, but we hadn’t seen each other or been in touch in at least five years. the dream caught me a bit by surprise…i hadn’t thought of Tanja in ages. it’s almost always an unexpected pleasure to run into old friends while wandering Morpheus’ realm, though, and i just enjoyed the little swell of happiness the dream brought with it instead of thinking too much about whether it meant anything

two months later, i had another dream about Tanja. in this one, she was smiling and bouncing a baby on her knee. this was enough for me to put pen to paper. “did you just have a baby by any chance?” i wrote in the letter that i sent to her. she never did respond, but ten months later when i was visiting friends in Europe before heading off to the Peace Corps, i did get to see Tanja. yes, she’d gotten my letter, but she’d been too busy to respond. her ten-month-old daughter was smiling and babbling at me from her high chair as Tanja acknowledge that it was a pretty strange coincidence. Continue reading

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coming into color

i don’t feel like i have much to say these days.  mostly i draw.  unlike a few weeks ago, i don’t feel angry or crushed, just resigned, and i find myself putting one foot in front of the other without thinking too much about where i’m going.

we spent the week following the sad ultrasound mostly glued to the couch, waiting for something scary and painful to happen, and when, after nine tense days, it didn’t, i warily started taking the miscarriage-inducing pills on the date the my doctor’s replacement told me to.   Continue reading

4 months

in a few hours it will be four months since i pushed little sun into the world…a world he knew for 36 short hours, a world that held more pain than comfort for him, a world that no longer includes him..

i’m not okay.

i feel completely lost, and i don’t even know what to hold onto anymore.

Things fall apart; the center cannot hold

today i found out that i have high bp and will probably need meds for it.  the cardiologist is doing an ultrasound on my heart tuesday and i have a stress test on wednesday.  she said she thinks it’s stress.  what in the world do i have to be stressed out about?

Continue reading