one of the things that helps to illuminate those dark places in my head is travel. since little sun died, there hasn’t been enough of it in my life. i could (and should) write more about the eight different countries i’ve lived in or the many others i’ve had the immense fortune to visit. but there is a plane to catch in about 12 hours and a 12 hour car ride ahead of us the day after tomorrow, so for now i will share some images of our very brief (but nevertheless uplifting) sojourn in the land of Helios and Athena.
i’m still here…somewhere.
i’m trying to find my words, or perhaps to liberate them, but it’s not an easy thing. silence has been my stony refuge these last two years, and i’m not sure how to chisel through these walls that i’ve constructed out of desperation and self-protection. but i will try…i must try.
a lot has happened, since i stopped posting on this blog. there have been new jobs. there have been too many trips to other countries….for embryo transfers and tests and surgical procedures. there have been more than a few negative pregnancy tests followed by excruciating (but required) blood draws to confirm what was already painfully clear. Continue reading
so all that extra estrogen has apparently been doing it’s job. my lining was about 7.7mm today and sporting the distinct beginnings of a triple stripe. my gynecologist looked nearly as pleased as i felt when she shook my hand and wished me luck in Barcelona.
i left her office feeling light and happy and completely distracted. i barely noticed the 45 minutes that passed as i walked towards home. despite the sunshine and the throngs of Parisians out enjoying the weather, only the lushly leafy trees and an urban garden full of forget-me-nots got more than a passing glance. when i got home and shared my news, Froggy’s eyes filled with tears and she held onto me for a long time.
the clinic in Barcelona quickly responded to the email that contained today’s results. the medical assistant who responded is really sweet, and her response included smileys, the word “amazing” and the phrase “tons of hugs” in her closing….all that in addition to the news that my transfer will take place on Monday afternoon. that’s right…in four short days. i wish i had some appropriate emojis to insert here. alas, the “holy fucking shit” smileys don’t seem to exist on wordpress.
tomorrow is the donor’s egg retrieval. i hope it goes well and that her eggs and the sperm from little sun’s donor are happily doing their dna dance in less than 24 hours. Froggy and i are flying out Saturday night, and we’ll have a nice relaxing Sunday to spend in our favorite city in the world.
when i was walking home today, something else besides the trees and flowers caught my eye. all along the sidewalk someone had spray painted these stencils:
and that’s exactly what we’ll be saying in less than 48 hours.
today i got a letter from my 23-year-old self. it was in the form of a card that i sent to my mother as i was getting ready to return to a far away Asian country. i had no idea of where i was going to live when i got there and no idea of how i would make a living, and my mother had apparently expressed some kind of concern to me. this has happened so many times now (the foreign country, the lack of concrete plans, the parents who think i’m crazy) that i no longer remember the exact conversation we had. in any case, i knew i had to go back (there was, after all, a girl to be wooed), and although i couldn’t explain to my mom why i had to go, i wanted her to understand that i would be okay.
i don’t remember writing the card, nor do i know how it became scarred with coffee-colored splashes, but i do recognize the handwriting and the sentiment behind the quotes as my own. i’m not sure why she chose today to scan the card and send it to me, but i’m glad she did, because i need to be reminded of what i wrote then….i need to try to remember who i was when i wrote it, and i need to figure out if under all of this grief and disappointment and anger there is still a little bit of that same girl who said, “fuck fear,” and flew across continents and oceans to follow her heart:
that 23-year-old girl seems a lot wiser than her 40-something-year-old incarnation. i do so hope she and Hazrat Inayat Khan are right….
we left in the dark, our plane ascending until the city became nothing more than a collection of tiny amber lights. everyone around me, including Froggy, dozed as we slid across the sky, but even though i’d slept fewer than four hours the night before, i was too excited to close my eyes. Continue reading
and so we come full circle…back to a place that i dreamt of before i ever visited, a city whose name alone inspires waves of warmth and nostalgia…Barcelona.
five years ago i called it home, that magical realm of Gaudi and Miro, that candyland of art and architecture, music, food, football and people…the wonderful Catalan people. five years ago, i wandered it’s streets and breathed in its inspiration. Continue reading
i’ve been thinking a lot about friends lately, mostly because i’ve lost so many since little sun died. i’ve experienced an immeasurable amount of disappointment and hurt because of people whom i once considered my chosen family, and maybe one day i’ll write about that. today, though, i want to tell you about two people who have truly been there for me…two people who epitomize that beautiful word “friend”. Continue reading