Category Archives: teaching

april fool

what was it i said before about a little hope being a dangerous thing?

today i began spotting.  if i were nearing the end of a two-week wait, it might be a promising sign; however, i haven’t even gotten to the embryo transfer yet, so it’s anything but promising.  i called the clinic and actually got my doctor on the line.  he said to add extra estrogen orally and wait to see what the ultrasound on monday shows.  he didn’t sound very hopeful, though.  no more signs of “just be calm”.  i wish i’d listened to my instincts and added some extra estrogen myself when i saw the abysmal 4mms.  now i think it’s too late, and i’m fairly certain this cycle will be cancelled.  i feel so stupid for thinking that this could work…

Friday i went to work feeling incredibly sad and discouraged and was greeted by my one friend there, M. the admin assistant.  she excitedly told me that she’s pregnant again and shared her excellent beta numbers. it felt like a punch in the stomach.  don’t get me wrong, i’m really happy for her…she’s one of the only people i’ve been able to talk to about about ttc (even before little sun existed), and she’s been very understanding and kind to me since little sun died.  she’s got PCOS and has struggled with infertility both before and since having her first child, so i know this is a big deal for her.  it’s especially hard, though, because this was the first month she took my advice on what to do and what to ask her RE for.  in the past she just did whatever her doctor told her to without asking questions or doing her own research.  and of course all of her RE visits and reproductive care are done locally and covered by the French social security system (and paid for by our taxes).  i smiled and my congratulations were sincere, but after i left her office i had to force myself not to cry….i had students to teach, after all. during my short breaks between classes and during lunch, i hid in my classroom and wept pitifully instead of going to talk to her as i normally would have.  when i ran into her in the kitchen at the end of my lunch break, she seemed disappointed that i had to go off and teach again right away, and she wanted to know when i’d be back at school.  i’m sure she wants to tell me all about the ultrasound she was scheduled to have Friday afternoon.  i don’t want to make her feel bad or take away from the joy i know she’s feeling, but i have no idea how to handle being around her now.  she was the only person besides Froggy that i had to talk to.

i’m so fucking tired of losing and so tired of feeling all alone…..  can’t we catch a break, too?

and little sun would have been 16 months old now.  (i still miss you every single day, baby boy.)




my second day teaching, i broke down in the office while talking to Pol, one of the staff.  she’d  asked how it was being back, and when the words, “it’s hard,” made their way up my throat, so too did a torrent of tears that i couldn’t stop.  it was one of the situations i’d dreaded before going back, and there i was with an obstacle course of corridors and students and colleagues in between me and the privacy of a toilet stall. Continue reading

the grind

i haven’t worked in over a year, and for much of the last nine months, the thought of going back to teaching has been enough to send me into a sobbing, hyperventilating panic.  once we got into summer, i realized that i had to go back when the Autumn semester started, and i was slowly getting myself mentally prepared for being back in the “real” world….a rather frightening place, to say the least.

Friday the director of my school, my boss, called to tell me that my first class would be the following Monday….that is to say, today.  i’d talked to her a week earlier, and she’d had no idea about when my classes would start or how many hours i would be teaching, but she’d mumbled something about it being around the beginning of October.  i expected to know more at least a week or two in advance.  instead i get  three days notice.

in about an hour, i’m going to leave the house and go back to face my colleagues and my students.  i’m dreading the awkwardness that awaits me in the office.  the administrative assistants who smile at me with pity in their eyes… the silence surrounding little sun.  i’ll also be teaching some of my former students, so it’s possible that one of them may say something to me about my pregnancy or little sun.  i still don’t know what would be worse, having people ask about him and breaking down when they do or having everyone pretend that nothing has happened.

it’s just one class to teach tonight…. i hope i survive without needing either of the two packs of tissues in my bag.

at least i’ll be home too late to see the streams of parents and babies emerging from the crèche next door…. maybe soon enough i’ll forget that i should be one of them.