one of the things that helps to illuminate those dark places in my head is travel. since little sun died, there hasn’t been enough of it in my life. i could (and should) write more about the eight different countries i’ve lived in or the many others i’ve had the immense fortune to visit. but there is a plane to catch in about 12 hours and a 12 hour car ride ahead of us the day after tomorrow, so for now i will share some images of our very brief (but nevertheless uplifting) sojourn in the land of Helios and Athena.
so all that extra estrogen has apparently been doing it’s job. my lining was about 7.7mm today and sporting the distinct beginnings of a triple stripe. my gynecologist looked nearly as pleased as i felt when she shook my hand and wished me luck in Barcelona.
i left her office feeling light and happy and completely distracted. i barely noticed the 45 minutes that passed as i walked towards home. despite the sunshine and the throngs of Parisians out enjoying the weather, only the lushly leafy trees and an urban garden full of forget-me-nots got more than a passing glance. when i got home and shared my news, Froggy’s eyes filled with tears and she held onto me for a long time.
the clinic in Barcelona quickly responded to the email that contained today’s results. the medical assistant who responded is really sweet, and her response included smileys, the word “amazing” and the phrase “tons of hugs” in her closing….all that in addition to the news that my transfer will take place on Monday afternoon. that’s right…in four short days. i wish i had some appropriate emojis to insert here. alas, the “holy fucking shit” smileys don’t seem to exist on wordpress.
tomorrow is the donor’s egg retrieval. i hope it goes well and that her eggs and the sperm from little sun’s donor are happily doing their dna dance in less than 24 hours. Froggy and i are flying out Saturday night, and we’ll have a nice relaxing Sunday to spend in our favorite city in the world.
when i was walking home today, something else besides the trees and flowers caught my eye. all along the sidewalk someone had spray painted these stencils:
and that’s exactly what we’ll be saying in less than 48 hours.
the spotting stopped a day after i started the extra estrogen, and the u/s today showed my lining hovering around 5mm with no fluid to be seen and no ovarian activity. my doctor in BCN wants me to continue the estradiol pills and have yet another u/s on Thursday. *if* it’s got a triple stripe and has thickened even a bit, i think they’ll want to go forward with the transfer.
as usual, i’m doing my own version of things instead of listening to the doctor. they want me to take the pills orally, but i’m doing them vaginally instead, because i know that works better for me. i’m just going to assume this cycle will be cancelled, because i can’t imagine that i’ll get that elusive triple stripe before my next encounter with the dildo cam. at least we know now that patches aren’t the way to go…..
today we saw a rainbow from our balcony.
and speaking of rainbows, my dear friend Burning Eye finally has hers. congratulations to both mamas and welcome to the world, little sister of Joseph <3
the last birth control pill (ah, the irony) has been taken, and now we’re just waiting… waiting for me to bleed so that i can begin slapping on the estrogen patches. waiting to hear about our donor’s response to the meds. waiting to see if all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.
it turns out that the international fertility clusterfuck has been resolved by the two clinics, and now we’re just waiting to see how much it will cost for us to have sperm from little sun’s donor shipped to Spain. even though i’ve said that i’ll be okay if we can’t use the same donor again, i find myself really hoping that we can.
i’ve been missing little sun even more than usual lately…if that’s even possible. sometimes Froggy and i talk about him and smile or laugh. other times i find myself sobbing, overwhelmed by flashbacks from the hospital, from his birth and from his death and from nearly every second of every minute of the 36 hours that lay between them. my arms and my hours are too empty. all i can do is keep waking and keep walking.
things are beginning to bloom here. the dried brown witch-fingers of the winter trees are almost gone now, suddenly replaced by soft greens and pinks and yellows. it’s hard not to hope with all these signs of life surrounding me. i just have to remember to keep eyes open and my head tilted up.
we left in the dark, our plane ascending until the city became nothing more than a collection of tiny amber lights. everyone around me, including Froggy, dozed as we slid across the sky, but even though i’d slept fewer than four hours the night before, i was too excited to close my eyes. Continue reading
and so we come full circle…back to a place that i dreamt of before i ever visited, a city whose name alone inspires waves of warmth and nostalgia…Barcelona.
five years ago i called it home, that magical realm of Gaudi and Miro, that candyland of art and architecture, music, food, football and people…the wonderful Catalan people. five years ago, i wandered it’s streets and breathed in its inspiration. Continue reading
i don’t feel like i have much to say these days. mostly i draw. unlike a few weeks ago, i don’t feel angry or crushed, just resigned, and i find myself putting one foot in front of the other without thinking too much about where i’m going.
we spent the week following the sad ultrasound mostly glued to the couch, waiting for something scary and painful to happen, and when, after nine tense days, it didn’t, i warily started taking the miscarriage-inducing pills on the date the my doctor’s replacement told me to. Continue reading