Category Archives: Paris

hola barcelona

so all that extra estrogen has apparently been doing it’s job.  my lining was about 7.7mm today and sporting the distinct beginnings of a triple stripe.  my gynecologist looked nearly as pleased as i felt when she shook my hand and wished me luck in Barcelona.

i left her office feeling light and happy and completely distracted.  i barely noticed the 45 minutes that passed as i walked towards home.  despite the sunshine and the throngs of Parisians out enjoying the weather, only the lushly leafy trees and an urban garden full of forget-me-nots got more than a passing glance.  when i got home and shared my news, Froggy’s eyes filled with tears and she held onto me for a long time.

the clinic in Barcelona quickly responded to the email that contained today’s results.  the medical assistant who responded is really sweet, and her response included smileys, the word “amazing” and the phrase “tons of hugs” in her closing….all that in addition to the news that my transfer will take place on Monday afternoon.  that’s right…in four short days.  i wish i had some appropriate emojis to insert here.  alas, the “holy fucking shit” smileys don’t seem to exist on wordpress.

tomorrow is the donor’s egg retrieval.  i hope it goes well and that her eggs and the sperm from little sun’s donor are happily doing their dna dance in less than 24 hours.  Froggy and i are flying out Saturday night, and we’ll have a nice relaxing Sunday to spend in our favorite city in the world.

when i was walking home today, something else besides the trees and flowers caught my eye.  all along the sidewalk someone had spray painted these stencils:

bye bye!

and that’s exactly what we’ll be saying in less than 48 hours.

waiting for good flow

the last birth control pill (ah, the irony) has been taken, and now we’re just waiting… waiting for me to bleed so that i can begin slapping on the estrogen patches.  waiting to hear about our donor’s response to the meds.  waiting to see if all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.

it turns out that the international fertility clusterfuck has been resolved by the two clinics, and now we’re just waiting to see how much it will cost for us to have sperm from little sun’s donor shipped to Spain.  even though i’ve said that i’ll be okay if we can’t use the same donor again, i find myself really hoping that we can.

i’ve been missing little sun even more than usual lately…if that’s even possible.  sometimes Froggy and i talk about him and smile or laugh.  other times i find myself sobbing, overwhelmed by flashbacks from the hospital, from his birth and from his death and from nearly every second of every minute of the 36 hours that lay between them.  my arms and my hours are too empty.  all i can do is keep waking and keep walking.

things are beginning to bloom here.  the dried brown witch-fingers of the winter trees are almost gone now, suddenly replaced by soft greens and pinks and yellows.  it’s hard not to hope with all these signs of life surrounding me.  i just have to remember to keep eyes open and my head tilted up.

rainbow

finding Saint-Merri

my calf has been bugging me since i took a very long, dehydrated walk about a week ago, so with plans for the Camino in mind, i kept my Monday walking to a minimum.  i needed to buy a few small gifts, so i took a mini tour of the Marais.  i stopped first at Mariage Frères, aka tea heaven, and bought 100g. of a very seductive smelling Earl Grey.  i then found myself  very close to what people here tend to call Beaubourg and what everyone else seems to know as the Pompidou Center.

two weeks ago, i went for a walk around the Pompidou.  the building is a jumble of tubes and color and glass, there is always something interesting to see in its vicinity. Continue reading

away

i haven’t felt much like communicating lately.  i stay in my head most of the time, because that’s where i feel safest…least likely to be intruded upon by more bad news, new disappointments or the epidemic of strollers filled with six-month-old babies that’s recently broken out.  my well-padded list of friends has gotten rather gaunt these last few months, and there aren’t too many people left with whom i have the energy to share even a few of my words.

Continue reading

along a love-locked bridge

almost two weeks ago, i made another trip to Notre Dame, and i planned on posting about it right away, but then life and grief (mostly the latter) got in the way, and i just never got around to it.

then, earlier this week, something truly horrible happened at Notre Dame.  i’m not going to waste my blog space talking about it, but i will say that i feel quite lucky.  i happened to walk right along back of the cathedral that day, but for once, i didn’t feel like going in and lighting candles. what’s that quote about small favors? Continue reading

mon sacré cœur

in case you haven’t heard yet, we got some good news yesterday.  the French marriage and adoption bill, which was recently passed by both the National Assembly and the Senate, has cleared its final hurdle and was signed into law tomorrow by President Hollande.  the first marriage between same sex couples will take place in Montpellier some time in the next two to three weeks.  last night Froggy turned to me with a smile and asked, “so, do you still want to get married?”

it’s somehow fitting that my post today is about Sacré-Cœur, the place where Froggy first proposed to me.  it’s one of my favorite places in Paris, and if, like me you are a fan of Jeunet’s Le Fabuleux Destin d’Amélie Poulain (aka Amélie in English-speaking countries), you will recognize the area in front of the basilica from one of the movie’s scenes.

i’m not in that part of town very often, but i’d met a friend for drinks in Montmartre, and when i realized how close i was to Sacré-Cœur, i knew that i had to climb those gajillion steps to the place with the best view in Paris. Continue reading