six months ago today, little sun came into this world.
six months ago tomorrow, he left it.
i’m still here, though, reeling and railing and trying so hard to hang on
if you’re someone who stops by this blog regularly, you’ve probably noticed that i’ve been more silent than usual these last few weeks. the month of May was not very kind to me, and i’m still clinging to the ropes and trying to get steady on my feet again after a series of emotional KOs. my therapist tells me again and again that i’m a fighter.
all i can see when i look in the mirror
is someone who’s lost…
it’s been a hard week. i have literally banged my head against walls in frustration and anger, and i have literally been brought to my knees by desperation and despair. there have been tears and hyperventilation and fits of rage so violent and unwieldy that i came very close to dashing my beloved laptop to bits. thankfully, though, the storm seems to be passing….at least for now.
i have a lot of catching up to do here. Froggy and Auntie Tan and i made a trip to Belgium over a week ago, and since then i’ve been to both Sacré-Cœur and Notre Dame. i have pictures and stories to share, but tonight is not the night for that.
tomorrow (or technically today), i was supposed to have a nephrology appointment to check and see if my kidneys had been damaged by the pre-eclampsia i developed at the end of my pregnancy. this appointment was made for me nearly three months ago as Froggy and i sat, shellshocked and barely knowing how to breathe anymore, in my hospital room. if i had been able to think at all clearly during that time, i would have immediately insisted that they cancel the appointment, but i was too lost and those were such strange minutes and hours and days
after little sun died, they moved us to the floor of the hospital reserved for pregnant women so we no longer had to endure the cries of other, more fortunate babies or the steady stream of gift bearing friends and relatives that trickled happily through the corridors.
the room was almost identical to the one i’d been in just hours before… the same hospital bed that could never be wrangled into a non-backache-inducing position. the same small flatscreen tv that couldn’t be turned on until Continue reading →