for the past five nights, i’ve gotten the tools out: pen full of expensive hormones, check; bottle of alcohol, check; cotton pads, check; sharp little needle tip, check. i assemble the parts, dial the pen to the correct dosage and stab myself in the belly. i repeat this ritual nightly for seven nights, my motions mechanical and sure. Continue reading →
i don’t feel like i have much to say these days. mostly i draw. unlike a few weeks ago, i don’t feel angry or crushed, just resigned, and i find myself putting one foot in front of the other without thinking too much about where i’m going.
we spent the week following the sad ultrasound mostly glued to the couch, waiting for something scary and painful to happen, and when, after nine tense days, it didn’t, i warily started taking the miscarriage-inducing pills on the date the my doctor’s replacement told me to. Continue reading →
nearly four months ago, Froggy and i started our monthly drives to Belgium, that magic land to the northeast where we are allowed access to reproductive care. as we’d done over a year before, we got up in the dark hours before dawn and drove the three hundred kilometers to our midday rendezvous with a syringe and some of little sun’s donor’s genetic material. i’d already spent months trying to get my body and mind to a better, healthier place, and in the week leading up to the insemination, i would inject myself daily with a drug that stimulated my ovaries. after a few days of that, i would begin the blood draws, usually every other day. finally, i would go to my gynecologist and have an ultrasound to see how many follicles i had and if they were ready to be ovulated. if everything looked good, i would give myself another shot to trigger ovulation, and then 36-38 hours later, we’d be back in a hospital in Belgium, hoping that conception was about to take place. Continue reading →
i’ve been thinking a lot about friends lately, mostly because i’ve lost so many since little sun died. i’ve experienced an immeasurable amount of disappointment and hurt because of people whom i once considered my chosen family, and maybe one day i’ll write about that. today, though, i want to tell you about two people who have truly been there for me…two people who epitomize that beautiful word “friend”. Continue reading →
i haven’t felt much like communicating lately. i stay in my head most of the time, because that’s where i feel safest…least likely to be intruded upon by more bad news, new disappointments or the epidemic of strollers filled with six-month-old babies that’s recently broken out. my well-padded list of friends has gotten rather gaunt these last few months, and there aren’t too many people left with whom i have the energy to share even a few of my words.
before you start thinking that i’ve turned this into one of those strange affirmation-laden (marketing?) blogs, i want to mention the photo above was taken at Amsterdam’s Schiphol a little over three and a half years ago during a layover. i took that just before catching a plane for Charles de Gaulle where my dear sweet Froggy was waiting for her American girl. that was the day i started my life with Froggy in France. Continue reading →