i’m trying to find my words, or perhaps to liberate them, but it’s not an easy thing. silence has been my stony refuge these last two years, and i’m not sure how to chisel through these walls that i’ve constructed out of desperation and self-protection. but i will try…i must try.
a lot has happened, since i stopped posting on this blog. there have been new jobs. there have been too many trips to other countries….for embryo transfers and tests and surgical procedures. there have been more than a few negative pregnancy tests followed by excruciating (but required) blood draws to confirm what was already painfully clear. Continue reading →
nearly four months ago, Froggy and i started our monthly drives to Belgium, that magic land to the northeast where we are allowed access to reproductive care. as we’d done over a year before, we got up in the dark hours before dawn and drove the three hundred kilometers to our midday rendezvous with a syringe and some of little sun’s donor’s genetic material. i’d already spent months trying to get my body and mind to a better, healthier place, and in the week leading up to the insemination, i would inject myself daily with a drug that stimulated my ovaries. after a few days of that, i would begin the blood draws, usually every other day. finally, i would go to my gynecologist and have an ultrasound to see how many follicles i had and if they were ready to be ovulated. if everything looked good, i would give myself another shot to trigger ovulation, and then 36-38 hours later, we’d be back in a hospital in Belgium, hoping that conception was about to take place. Continue reading →
two days after we got back from England, i had my second visit to my new gynecologist. our previous gyneco (as they call them here) was neither kind nor caring, and though she did quite possibly save my life and/or fertility several years ago, Froggy and did not like having to deal with her on our route to ttc. i think she wasn’t going out of her way to help us for fear of being found out. since it’s illegal to help lesbians conceive, many gynecologists won’t even take us on as patients, so after months and months of looking for one, we took what we could get. once we became patients at the clinic in Belgium, she prescribed us the drugs and ultrasounds we needed, but there was always and undertone of “you should just be happy i’m helping you at all” in our exchanges. she even made Froggy cry once on the phone. Continue reading →
tomorrow (or technically today), i was supposed to have a nephrology appointment to check and see if my kidneys had been damaged by the pre-eclampsia i developed at the end of my pregnancy. this appointment was made for me nearly three months ago as Froggy and i sat, shellshocked and barely knowing how to breathe anymore, in my hospital room. if i had been able to think at all clearly during that time, i would have immediately insisted that they cancel the appointment, but i was too lost and those were such strange minutes and hours and days
after little sun died, they moved us to the floor of the hospital reserved for pregnant women so we no longer had to endure the cries of other, more fortunate babies or the steady stream of gift bearing friends and relatives that trickled happily through the corridors.
the room was almost identical to the one i’d been in just hours before… the same hospital bed that could never be wrangled into a non-backache-inducing position. the same small flatscreen tv that couldn’t be turned on until Continue reading →