i’m trying to find my words, or perhaps to liberate them, but it’s not an easy thing. silence has been my stony refuge these last two years, and i’m not sure how to chisel through these walls that i’ve constructed out of desperation and self-protection. but i will try…i must try.
a lot has happened, since i stopped posting on this blog. there have been new jobs. there have been too many trips to other countries….for embryo transfers and tests and surgical procedures. there have been more than a few negative pregnancy tests followed by excruciating (but required) blood draws to confirm what was already painfully clear. Continue reading →
in case you haven’t heard yet, we got some good news yesterday. the French marriage and adoption bill, which was recently passed by both the National Assembly and the Senate, has cleared its final hurdle and was signed into law tomorrow by President Hollande. the first marriage between same sex couples will take place in Montpellier some time in the next two to three weeks. last night Froggy turned to me with a smile and asked, “so, do you still want to get married?”
it’s somehow fitting that my post today is about Sacré-Cœur, the place where Froggy first proposed to me. it’s one of my favorite places in Paris, and if, like me you are a fan of Jeunet’s Le Fabuleux Destin d’Amélie Poulain (aka Amélie in English-speaking countries), you will recognize the area in front of the basilica from one of the movie’s scenes.
i’m not in that part of town very often, but i’d met a friend for drinks in Montmartre, and when i realized how close i was to Sacré-Cœur, i knew that i had to climb those gajillion steps to the place with the best view in Paris. Continue reading →
i haven’t been writing much about little sun lately, but not because i haven’t been thinking about him. the truth is i think about him constantly. his absence is a weeping wound that never heals. i just try to cover it….by roaming the miles and miles of small Paris neighborhoods, by filling my head with the pabulum of television and light internet reading, by drawing and drawing and drawing until my hand cramps and i see nothing but colors when i close my eyes. under that thin surface, though, i am crying out for him, my little lost boy. oh, god, do i miss him.
we’ve been cleared to ttc again, and i find myself inwardly freaking out. what if it doesn’t work? what if all i ever see again are bone white hpts and an empty space in the back seat of our car? what if it does work? what if i miscarry or there’s something wrong with the baby or my pre-eclampsia comes back worse or there’s a cord accident or the baby’s stillborn and worst of all…what if the same thing happens all over again? at nearly 41, i’m anything but the proverbial spring chicken….if i had feathers, i’d certainly be gracing someone’s dinner table by now. am i still even in this game? how am i going to get through all of this? i’m so fucking scared, and i don’t know how not to be.
so i draw and draw and read stupid shit and miss my little sun. and in between, i try to remind myself to breathe.
and, oh, yeah, tomorrow’s the final vote on gay marriage and adoption in the French National Assembly.
i posted this over two months ago as the French lawmakers began to debate a law on gay marriage and adoption. since then, the law has been passed by both the National Assembly and the Sentate. the final bits of it are being redebated and worked out in the National Assembly, and there will be a final vote on it next Tuesday, April 23rd. if it passes, it means that Froggy and i will be able to get married, that any more children we have will bear both our names and be legally considered hers as well as mine. it’s a huge huge deal for us. i decided to repost this, because the recent hate-filled rhetoric has made me realize that we need to be visible. that we need to keep showing them our human faces, tear-stained and grief-creased though they may be. and most of all, i am reposting this for Froggy, because she is little sun’s Maman and law or no law, that will never change.
tomorrow, 12 February 2013, is an important day here in France. tomorrow, the National Assembly (l’Assemblee nationale) is making their final vote on a bill that would give Froggy (little sun’s other mother) and me the right to marry. it may also give us the right to adopt. both of these rights will change our lives significantly, and we are both hoping that it passes, but i can’t help but feel angry that it’s taken so long….. now it’s too late, much too late for little sun.
despite what people on the other side of the pond seem to think, France is not
before you start thinking that i’ve turned this into one of those strange affirmation-laden (marketing?) blogs, i want to mention the photo above was taken at Amsterdam’s Schiphol a little over three and a half years ago during a layover. i took that just before catching a plane for Charles de Gaulle where my dear sweet Froggy was waiting for her American girl. that was the day i started my life with Froggy in France. Continue reading →