fo(u)r you

who would you be now? for a long time i’ve wondered, no sure notion in my head. but now i think i know. i think you would be (are?) the same little boy i saw in a dream a few weeks ago.

after nearly four years of never meeting you in that other place, the one where anything is possible, i wondered what was wrong with me. why is it that i never even dreamt of my own child? or there was the even worse thought that maybe you didn’t want to see me…even in my dreams.

but you came! you finally came. and at first the dream was terrifying. i was rushing around frantically trying to find you (i’ve lost him! where is he? how can i get back to him? i have to get back to him!). and then i walked in to a room, and you were there…your little-boy body lying crosswise on a bed, blond head tipped forward to look down at the pages you’d pulled out of one of my sketchbooks. i could see your small hands touching the torn up, colorful pieces of my art. there was no malice or mischief in you, just curiosity. and then you looked up and smiled at me, as if to say, “i’m right here, mama,” and there was such a sweet gentleness that surrounded and suffused you, and i felt my whole being flooded with the most intense love and relief i’ve ever experienced. i woke up and cried tears of joy to have seen you again. not the baby i was expecting…not the newborn trapped in the only images we have you, but a little boy. my little boy.

about a week after that dream, a new friend of ours told Froggy and me that she’d dreamt about you. i hadn’t told her about my dream or even spoken much to her about you. but she described a little blond boy filled with gentleness and love and surrounded by light. she said he’d put his arms around her and comforted her, this luminous little boy. when i read her dream (something she almost didn’t share for fear of possibly hurting us), i knew it was you, too. she says that i’ll meet you again, even in my waking life. i don’t know…i don’t know what to believe, and sometimes i’m not sure if i believe in anything anymore.

except…now i do believe in something. i believe in the goodness, the lightness, the love of that four-year-old little blondheaded boy. and i still feel you. and i still miss you…desperately.

happy birthday, my little son.




7 thoughts on “fo(u)r you

  1. marchisfordaffodils

    Oh, look at him. Beautiful boy. Your post has made me cry. Welcome tears. I was ju thinking of you and Froggy and Petit Soleil last night. A four-year-old boy, and my Anja would be five in January. Full blown kids. I hope this season is peaceful and gentle on you and your Froggy.

  2. Carrie J.

    I’ve been thinking of you and Froggy and your little sun this week as well. Four years go so fast but yet the days march on slowly. Alice would be turning five in February. Its stunning. I hope you’ve had a gentle few days. Your dream sounds beautiful.

  3. yael

    Je ne connais pas l’anglais mais je t’ai lu du bout du cœur …
    je vous porterais tous les trois, à chacune de mes pas aujourd’hui, aujourd’hui et demain.
    Je t’embrasse fort fort fort
    et encore plus fort.

  4. Kelly Pavidis

    He is beautiful. Four years, they go by so fast and slow at the same time. I am so glad he visited you in a dream. I think of you guys often and appreciate the support you gave me from far away in those first few agonizing months after we lost Hunter.


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