here

i’m still here…somewhere.

i’m trying to find my words, or perhaps to liberate them, but it’s not an easy thing. silence has been my stony refuge these last two years, and i’m not sure how to chisel through these walls that i’ve constructed out of desperation and self-protection. but i will try…i must try.

a lot has happened, since i stopped posting on this blog. there have been new jobs.  there have been too many trips to other countries….for embryo transfers and tests and surgical procedures. there have been more than a few negative pregnancy tests followed by excruciating (but required) blood draws to confirm what was already painfully clear.

there have been moments of joy: our wedding nearly a year ago, where a small group of our friends and family came and spent two lovely days celebrating with us at house in the countryside. two days surrounded by love and laughter and the wonderful people who have stayed with us through everything.

wedding cake blog

 

then in April, hope came bursting through the front door, completely unexpected and unannounced. a positive pregnancy test….the first one in two and a half years. the news, in the form of a phone call from the lab, left me thunderstruck and giddy, babbling “merci. merci beaucoup! merci mille fois!” to the kind but confused lab technician on the other end of the line. i finally got to use the expensive digital test i’d bought two years earlier in a Barcelona pharmacy.

positive pregnancy test april 2016

 

for the first the first time in almost three years, there was a bright (half-remembered) color permeating my emotional landscape and lifting my heart…i was happy. suddenly there was a future filled with light and possibilities. suddenly there was a small, living spark inside of me. for nearly a week, i was happy, quietly nurturing that little life. and then the bleeding began and the spark went out, and all of that new happiness and hope seemed lost in the hemorrhage.

since then we’ve traveled twice to yet another country (one of the few where same-sex couples can get fertility treatments). i scheduled a surgical hysterosocpy in a maternity hospital there, and in the weeks leading up to it, the thought of that procedure in that place left me paralyzed with panic. but Froggy and i flew the three and a half hours to a land with a nearly illegible language, and i had the hysteroscopy, and somehow it wasn’t as hard as i’d expected. i became a patient at a new clinic, one that’s well known for helping the hopeless, and once again the feeling that it could work out for us, that we could really have a living child, rose up within me.

a month later, after handfuls of hormones and steroids, after thrice daily injections, after night sweats and more legs-spread moments at the gynecologist, we got on another three-hour flight and headed south for an embryo transfer. it was a good trip, one filled with the warmth of the sun and the kindness of strangers. though most of our time there was spent in medical settings or resting in our airbnb, Froggy and i did manage to find a few hours wander down the small streets that led to ancient places.

athens statue

the whole time there were so many signs…crazy, hit you over the head kinds of signs. the boy with the same (rare) name as little sun’s sitting next to Froggy on the flight. our airbnb host who, without knowing a single thing about us or our history, told us that she was considering naming her baby girl the feminine form of little sun’s name. and so many other things that seemed to be saying, “this is the place. this is the time. this time it will work.”

i was uncharacteristically unskeptical. i should have known better. two weeks later the blood test proved what a fool i was. negative….again. over and over, negative. another gut punch that has left me reeling, exhausted and despairing. how could i have been so stupid? haven’t i learned anything?

apparently not, because soon enough, i’ll begin injesting and injecting all of the potions my faraway doctor has prescribed. soon enough i’ll be back on a plane, back in the stirrups, back on the rollercoaster. somehow i haven’t given up yet.

and so i’m here

and i’ll try to stay, and i’ll try tell my story and i’ll try to be open. it’s not easy at all, but i’ll try.

 

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9 thoughts on “here

  1. Silly Rose

    Tu n’imagines pas comme je suis contente de te voir revenir sur ton blog. Merci de faire cet effort de partager et de rester en lien avec ceux qui t’aiment et qui te suivent. C’est beau et je t’encourage de tout coeur à continuer de t”exprimer en écrivant, en publiant tes photos, tes dessins. Tu n’as rien de “fool”….tu es simplement “full” d’espoir, de vie et tu n’as pas à t’en vouloir ni te moquer de cela car ce n’est pas une faiblesse. Tu as un univers tout entier en toi qui ne peut que nous enrichir. Je t’embrasse!!

    Reply
    1. le petit soleil Post author

      my dear Rose, you are anything but silly. merci mille fois for your words of encouragement . you have no idea how much they mean to me and how much they inspire me. i feel very lucky to count you among my real friends. i only wish our little sun were around to know his wonderful tati. thank you for *always* being there throughout this long, hard journey. t’es vraiement formidable. (and i mean what’s written on your mug…with all my heart.) <3

      Reply
  2. marchisfordaffodils

    I’m so glad to hear your voice here, so sorry to hear about all the sadness and negatives and especially the miscarriage. I think of you and Froggy and Little Sun often. I’m really happy to hear about your wedding and send deep congratulations. I’m sending you both lots of hugs, too, and I’ll be hoping and hoping for you, for a pregnancy, a baby. And always remembering your boy.

    Reply
    1. le petit soleil Post author

      it’s so good to hear from you, too, and thank you for reading and commenting. i think of you and of A. often, especially in the spring when daffodils seem to blanket all of the green spaces here in Paris. i hope you are well, and i look forward to “catching up”with you in this little online world. much love to you. <3

      Reply
  3. typhaine

    It’s good to read your words again — yours was one of the first blogs i found after Paul’s death and i have continued to keep petit soleil in my thoughts since. I’m sorry things have been so difficult. I, too, continue to hope from afar for a little sibling for petit soleil. xx

    Reply
    1. le petit soleil Post author

      and it’s good to read yours as well. thank you for the warm welcome back. Froggy has kept me updated on you, and i was so happy to hear about the arrival of your sweet Aimé. even in my silence, i have kept you and Paul in my heart. <3

      Reply
  4. conceptionallychallenged

    It’s good to see you back. And I’m so sorry about all the negatives. The bleeding, another loss. It just seems to pile up on you and it’s so unfair.
    Sending much love, good vibes, baby dust, whatever it takes, south.

    Reply
    1. le petit soleil Post author

      what a lovely thing it is to find you here. :) thanks for reading and commenting. i hope all is well with your sweet little strawberry girl, and know that i will always remember her big sisters. <3

      Reply

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