april fool

what was it i said before about a little hope being a dangerous thing?

today i began spotting.  if i were nearing the end of a two-week wait, it might be a promising sign; however, i haven’t even gotten to the embryo transfer yet, so it’s anything but promising.  i called the clinic and actually got my doctor on the line.  he said to add extra estrogen orally and wait to see what the ultrasound on monday shows.  he didn’t sound very hopeful, though.  no more signs of “just be calm”.  i wish i’d listened to my instincts and added some extra estrogen myself when i saw the abysmal 4mms.  now i think it’s too late, and i’m fairly certain this cycle will be cancelled.  i feel so stupid for thinking that this could work…

Friday i went to work feeling incredibly sad and discouraged and was greeted by my one friend there, M. the admin assistant.  she excitedly told me that she’s pregnant again and shared her excellent beta numbers. it felt like a punch in the stomach.  don’t get me wrong, i’m really happy for her…she’s one of the only people i’ve been able to talk to about about ttc (even before little sun existed), and she’s been very understanding and kind to me since little sun died.  she’s got PCOS and has struggled with infertility both before and since having her first child, so i know this is a big deal for her.  it’s especially hard, though, because this was the first month she took my advice on what to do and what to ask her RE for.  in the past she just did whatever her doctor told her to without asking questions or doing her own research.  and of course all of her RE visits and reproductive care are done locally and covered by the French social security system (and paid for by our taxes).  i smiled and my congratulations were sincere, but after i left her office i had to force myself not to cry….i had students to teach, after all. during my short breaks between classes and during lunch, i hid in my classroom and wept pitifully instead of going to talk to her as i normally would have.  when i ran into her in the kitchen at the end of my lunch break, she seemed disappointed that i had to go off and teach again right away, and she wanted to know when i’d be back at school.  i’m sure she wants to tell me all about the ultrasound she was scheduled to have Friday afternoon.  i don’t want to make her feel bad or take away from the joy i know she’s feeling, but i have no idea how to handle being around her now.  she was the only person besides Froggy that i had to talk to.

i’m so fucking tired of losing and so tired of feeling all alone…..  can’t we catch a break, too?

and little sun would have been 16 months old now.  (i still miss you every single day, baby boy.)



4 thoughts on “april fool

  1. marchisfordaffodils

    Oh, oh, oh. I’m sorry. I know how hard it is to be around people who are excited about something you feel you don’t have and might not get, even when they are the ‘good’ type of person. Although I ttc’d under very different circumstances, I remember so well that feeling of disappointment, so profound, of everyone else getting what they wanted, of wanting so badly what seems so f***ing simple and so horribly out of reach. I am sending you and froggy a big hug…and hoping for better news very soon.

  2. Isa

    I’m so sorry. And it’s so hard to face friends, even if you’re genuinely happy for them, when things aren’t going the way you’d hoped. Be as there for your friend as you can be and tell her what’s going on–I’m sure she’ll be understanding. And I hope that the extra estrogen helps. I’ll be thinking of you.


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