waiting for a silver lining

today was my first lining scan.  i’ve been on estrogen patches for a week now, and i was hoping to see a nice cushy nest on the screen in my gynecologist’s office.  instead, the reading showed a meager 4mm.  for those of you unfamiliar with the finer details of assisted reproduction, my lining sucks.  the clinic in Barcelona wants at least 6mm, but most places look for 8mm and above.  when i got pregnant with little sun and his vanishing twin, my lining was hovering between 7.5 and 8.  with my last pregnancy, i had a whopping 10mm.  i haven’t had such a thin lining since my last gynecologist (the evil one) had me taking endometrium (and mood)-destroying clomid for months on end.

the gyn must have seen the look of shock and disappointment on my face, and she told me that i shouldn’t be discouraged…that the birth control pills i’d been on for six weeks had most certainly left me with almost nothing lining-wise and that it would just take a bit longer to build it up to a good thickness.  we’re on our egg donor’s schedule, though, so i don’t have the luxury of a lot of time.

i was able to contain my tears on the tram ride home, and i kept my face turned to the accordion folds in the wall so that i didn’t have to look at the laughing children and baby-filled strollers that were all around me.  the minute i walked through the door and Froggy said, “alors??”, though, i lost it and began sobbing.  i’ve been doing everything right….eating well, getting in at least 30 minutes of brisk walking a day, doing yoga every night and avoiding all the head-calming medications that have helped me survive since little sun died.  4 fucking millimeters….  Froggy put her arms around me and reassured me, and once i was able to stem the tide of tears, i sent my ultrasound results off to our clinic.  i expected them to write back and tell me to add more estrogen…another patch, pills taken orally or inserted vaginally.  they responded in typical laid-back Spanish fashion, and i could almost hear them saying, “tranquila!”:

“Dr. X  send to you regards and he is not concerned about the lining, he don´t want to add estradiol pills. You will see your endometrium need just a few more days.”

a second email told me to book another ultrasound “with calm”.  and strangely enough, calm is exactly how i felt after reading both of them.  for now i’m just going to trust that my doctor knows what he’s doing.  it’s not the easiest thing for me to have faith in medical providers, especially after what happened to our little boy, but these Barcelonians do a great job of inspiring confidence.

now we wait until Monday to see if they’re right.

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6 thoughts on “waiting for a silver lining

  1. Isa

    Ugh. What a bummer. Try baby aspirin? That’s what they had me do. I don’t know if it did anything at all, but it made me feel proactive, and it can’t hurt. I think that if they’re not worried, you shouldn’t be too worried, either. Crossing fingers for better updates soon!

    Reply
    1. le petit soleil Post author

      thanks for the suggestion and the good wishes. i’m already taking baby aspirin because i got pre-eclampsia in my first pregnancy and also because my gyn is worried about thrombosis. i think i might just need to switch the type of estrogen i’m taking or use a combination of types. i guess i’ll know more on Monday.

      Reply
    1. le petit soleil Post author

      i love my clinic, too. they are very reassuring…i just hope they’re right. (uebrigens….ich wusste gar nicht dass deutsch deine muttersprache ist! :) )

      Reply
  2. jane

    I like that they are ‘doing’ calm and tranquil and patient; I will keep calm and hope filled thoughts for you in mind x

    Reply

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