a wing, a torch, a promise

today i got a letter from my 23-year-old self.  it was in the form of a card that i sent to my mother as i was getting ready to return to a far away Asian country.  i had no idea of where i was going to live when i got there and no idea of how i would make a living, and my mother had apparently expressed some kind of concern to me.  this has happened so many times now (the foreign country, the lack of concrete plans, the parents who think i’m crazy) that i no longer remember the exact conversation we had. in any case, i knew i had to go back (there was, after all, a girl to be wooed), and although i couldn’t explain to my mom why i had to go, i wanted her to understand that i would be okay.

i don’t remember writing the card, nor do i know how it became scarred with coffee-colored splashes, but i do recognize the handwriting and the sentiment behind the quotes as my own.  i’m not sure why she chose today to scan the card and send it to me, but i’m glad she did, because i need to be reminded of what i wrote then….i need to try to remember who i was when i wrote it, and i need to figure out if under all of this grief and disappointment and anger there is still a little bit of that same girl who said, “fuck fear,” and flew across continents and oceans to follow her heart:

dawna markova quote

 

that 23-year-old girl seems a lot wiser than her 40-something-year-old incarnation.  i do so hope she and Hazrat Inayat Khan are right….

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2 thoughts on “a wing, a torch, a promise

  1. Burning Eye

    what a lovely poem. my heart as a torch. If Joseph is in my heart, and my heart is a wing, a promise… what then, am I capable of? Letting go of fear is so hard. I recognize my early-twenties self in your note, too. Fuck fear, it’s time to plunge in and go.

    Thinking of you…

    Reply

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