waiting for good flow

the last birth control pill (ah, the irony) has been taken, and now we’re just waiting… waiting for me to bleed so that i can begin slapping on the estrogen patches.  waiting to hear about our donor’s response to the meds.  waiting to see if all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.

it turns out that the international fertility clusterfuck has been resolved by the two clinics, and now we’re just waiting to see how much it will cost for us to have sperm from little sun’s donor shipped to Spain.  even though i’ve said that i’ll be okay if we can’t use the same donor again, i find myself really hoping that we can.

i’ve been missing little sun even more than usual lately…if that’s even possible.  sometimes Froggy and i talk about him and smile or laugh.  other times i find myself sobbing, overwhelmed by flashbacks from the hospital, from his birth and from his death and from nearly every second of every minute of the 36 hours that lay between them.  my arms and my hours are too empty.  all i can do is keep waking and keep walking.

things are beginning to bloom here.  the dried brown witch-fingers of the winter trees are almost gone now, suddenly replaced by soft greens and pinks and yellows.  it’s hard not to hope with all these signs of life surrounding me.  i just have to remember to keep eyes open and my head tilted up.

rainbow

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