the grind

i haven’t worked in over a year, and for much of the last nine months, the thought of going back to teaching has been enough to send me into a sobbing, hyperventilating panic.  once we got into summer, i realized that i had to go back when the Autumn semester started, and i was slowly getting myself mentally prepared for being back in the “real” world….a rather frightening place, to say the least.

Friday the director of my school, my boss, called to tell me that my first class would be the following Monday….that is to say, today.  i’d talked to her a week earlier, and she’d had no idea about when my classes would start or how many hours i would be teaching, but she’d mumbled something about it being around the beginning of October.  i expected to know more at least a week or two in advance.  instead i get  three days notice.

in about an hour, i’m going to leave the house and go back to face my colleagues and my students.  i’m dreading the awkwardness that awaits me in the office.  the administrative assistants who smile at me with pity in their eyes… the silence surrounding little sun.  i’ll also be teaching some of my former students, so it’s possible that one of them may say something to me about my pregnancy or little sun.  i still don’t know what would be worse, having people ask about him and breaking down when they do or having everyone pretend that nothing has happened.

it’s just one class to teach tonight…. i hope i survive without needing either of the two packs of tissues in my bag.

at least i’ll be home too late to see the streams of parents and babies emerging from the crèche next door…. maybe soon enough i’ll forget that i should be one of them.


5 thoughts on “the grind

  1. Sam

    Si tu vois une ombre dans mes yeux quand je te regarde ce n’ est pas de la pitié, c’est de la peine. Et si tu te demandes d’où elle vient, c’est que j’ai mal pour trois que j’aime.


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