so broken…in pieces

six months ago today, little sun came into this world.
six months ago tomorrow, he left it.
i’m still here, though, reeling and railing and trying so hard to hang on
to something…anything.

if you’re someone who stops by this blog regularly, you’ve probably noticed that i’ve been more silent than usual these last few weeks.  the month of May was not very kind to me, and i’m still clinging to the ropes and trying to get steady on my feet again after a series of emotional KOs.  my therapist tells me again and again that i’m a fighter.
all i can see when i look in the mirror
is someone who’s lost…

(i miss you, baby boy.)


9 thoughts on “so broken…in pieces

  1. marchisfordaffodils

    Oh. Oh. Six months. I remember feeling like I was getting way, way too far away from A. I’m so sorry little sun isn’t with you and froggy, where he belongs. I will throw a stone into the Pacific and draw a sun in the sand tomorrow, remembering your sweet sweet boy.

  2. Caitlin

    This part resonated with me so much:

    “my therapist tells me again and again that i’m a fighter.
    all i can see when i look in the mirror
    is someone who’s lost…”

    It makes me think of a line from Anne Sexton’s The Truth the Dead Know: “It is June. I am tired of being brave.” People tell you that you are strong, but it never feels that way, not when birthdays come around and you think of the one you have lost and how you’ve lost yourself in the process.

    I am sending you so much love. I read your words and feel them to my core.

  3. alwaysmy3boys

    6 months. We are not quite there yet, but it feels so big.

    I don’t know how, or if, it is possible to NOT be lost.

    I am sad, and I cry with you for Little Sun. I’m so sorry.

  4. thestarsapart

    Oh le petit soleil, there’s no words. Little Sun will always leave such a big hole where he should have been. Six months is a hard one – still so soon and yet it feels too incredibly far away. I remember it well and it is nothing short of a miracle that we manage to get through it somehow.

    Thinking of you x

  5. Kelly

    It always angered me when people said things like ‘You’re so strong.’ As if there’s a choice. It kind of makes me crazy. I am sorry that you’ve had a rough month. Thinking of you.

  6. Deborah

    Thinking of you.
    (for some reason, I couldn’t get you to show up in my reader. I think I fixed it now, so i’ll comment more soon)

  7. Ruby

    I am following only a couple of weeks behind you on the timescale: on 21st it will be 6mths since my baby son died. I am reeling too. I wish it was different for both of us.


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