montmartre, paris

i haven’t been writing much about little sun lately, but not because i haven’t been thinking about him.  the truth is i think about him constantly. his absence is a weeping wound that never heals.  i just try to cover it….by roaming the miles and miles of small Paris neighborhoods, by filling my head with the pabulum of television and light internet reading, by drawing and drawing and drawing until my hand cramps and i see nothing but colors when i close my eyes.  under that thin surface, though, i am crying out for him, my little lost boy.  oh, god, do i miss him.

we’ve been cleared to ttc again, and i find myself inwardly freaking out.  what if it doesn’t work? what if all i ever see again are bone white hpts and an empty space in the back seat of our car? what if it does work?  what if i miscarry or there’s something wrong with the baby or my pre-eclampsia comes back worse or there’s a cord accident or the baby’s stillborn and worst of all…what if the same thing happens all over again?  at nearly 41, i’m anything but the proverbial spring chicken….if i had feathers, i’d certainly be gracing someone’s dinner table by now.  am i still even in this game? how am i going to get through all of this?  i’m so fucking scared, and i don’t know how not to be.  

so i draw and draw and read stupid shit and miss my little sun.  and in between, i try to remind myself to breathe.

and, oh, yeah, tomorrow’s the final vote on gay marriage and adoption in the French National Assembly.


9 thoughts on “

  1. alwaysmy3boys

    I worry about that stuff too. I’ve lived through infertility, IVF, a very early m/c, and now neonatal loss. I haven’t ticked the stillbirth box. And that scares me.

  2. catwoman73

    Hello- here from ICLW… I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. Absolutely heartbreaking. Thinking of you and wishing you peace during this difficult time. I understand your fears… just keep breathing. Huge hugs to you….

  3. Sadie

    I don’t think there is any way to not be scared. The truth is, you’re scared because of your experiences, and you keep trying because of your experineces. Because your love for little sun is oceans deep and he expanded your world so much and now you’ve seen life in a different way and can’t go back – on either the fear, or the desire. That’s how it was for me anyway.
    At 38, with three losses and no living children, I worry about all the same stuff you do. I realize I may never parent a living child. But my love for my son and the way he still breathes magic into my life make it hard for me to turn my back on ttc entirely.
    As scary as it is now, I hope that your road forward with ttc will be straight and boring, and that you conceive a sibling for little sun soon. I have everything crossed for you!

  4. March is for daffodils

    Trying to conceive again IS scary. I had my living daughter after a relatively easy pregnancy and just thought it would be easy to get and stay pregnant again. We had two miscarriages, then Anja was stillborn and then I had another miscarriage and now I am pregnant again. After my second miscarriage, I thought: maybe I can’t do this. After Anja, I thought: I can NEVER do this again. Until only a few days later, when I thought I HAVE to do this again. After that third miscarriage, I again thought, never ever again. But then one night the next month I realized I was probably ovulating and…And then we thought I was miscarrying early this pregnancy and I swore to myself, never ever ever. But who knows…maybe I would have if it came to it. It is like a compulsion. Not just something I want, but something I need, so deep down. There is so much love: love for the babies who have died, but love also for the babies we might have, love for mothering, for parenting. And so much fear. It is scary and hard and awful and unfair and shitty and just terrifying. Anyway this was long and all about me, but just to say: yes, scary. You are definitely not alone in your fear.

    1. le petit soleil Post author

      i’m so glad you posted this. you hit the nail right on the head….this is about love, and abundance of love. that’s what keeps you fighting even when the fear grips your guts and makes you think that you just can’t go on. i hope that we both get to share all that love with our living children. *hugs* to you, mama. (Anja is such a beautiful name, btw)

  5. Isa

    I’m glad about France passing equal marriage–I cheered for you when I heard the news!

    And I think you will get through this, and find a way to have a sibling for your little Sun. I can’t imagine the pain and loss you are feeling, but I do believe the love is real, and powerful. There has been so much loss lately around me, and I just keep reminding myself over and over that there is no way to shield yourself from it, really, you have to go through it. But wonderful things can come, too.

  6. Egg Timer

    I am here from ICLW and I just want to say I am sorry for your heart breaking loss. I hope that this next step is a successful one for you. Also, I am so glad that France has passed gay marriage. Congratulations!

  7. A Crack In Everything

    I’m very sorry for your loss, and can see why you’d have mixed feelings about TTC again — wanting the baby you already had, and worrying about what else might happen (or not).

    You could have been reading my mind. I was just questioning how much I really still want to have children, because I’m not EXCITED about it like I used to be. Then I remembered how excited I was to be pregnant before miscarrying. What’s going on now is not a change of heart, it’s just discouragement and fear trying to squeeze out everything else.

    One breath, one step at a time. We can be scared and still take the next step. I hope that your next steps bring you closer to holding your baby someday soon.

    By the way, congratulations on the vote. That is good news.

  8. cindysn

    Hi from ICLW…I totally get having that fear that it will not happen again since we lost our daughter but all we can do is try


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