before you start thinking that i’ve turned this into one of those strange affirmation-laden (marketing?) blogs, i want to mention the photo above was taken at Amsterdam’s Schiphol a little over three and a half years ago during a layover. i took that just before catching a plane for Charles de Gaulle where my dear sweet Froggy was waiting for her American girl. that was the day i started my life with Froggy in France.
when we were ttc the first time, we spent nearly two years jumping hurdle after horrible hurdle to get the reproductive care we needed. we endured awkward (yet often humorous) at-home insemination attempts and we battled a host of little issues that popped up regularly on our journey. finally, after a year of both of us trying had resulted in not even one positive hpt, Froggy and i lost hope. the system had beaten us down, and there just didn’t seem to be any way out of our situation. and then we stumbled upon the dear, dear Belgians, and somehow hope came flooding back to me. i told Froggy that i knew it was going to happen for us there…that i just felt it, and as we were leaving the hospital after our initial appointment, i joked that half of our future child might just be chillin on ice at that very moment in that very building. three months of IUIs later i was pregnant with little sun.
when we lost him, we lost hope again. when you get everything you’ve ever wanted and then it’s violently snatched away from you…..well, you start to wonder if the universe has it in for you. if maybe you just weren’t worthy of all that happiness. you begin to think that all endings will be like the ones in European films, dark and melancholy…none of that Hollywood “love conquers all” bullshit.
yet…there’s been this insistent voice telling me not to give up. with each and every knockdown, i feel an invisible hand yanking me back up and dusting me off and then gently pushing me onward. onward towards a little brother or sister for our son.
today, i got cleared to start trying again. it’s contingent on something very bizarre which i wish i could post about, because it would give you, dear reader, a better idea of the fucked up situation we face here in France. alas, it might also cause trouble for someone, and i don’t want that.
in any case, it looks like i will be jabbing myself with needles again soon, and (if all goes well with the follicles) we will be heading back to Belgium in the next three weeks.
and in other (possibly) great news, the final vote on gay marriage and adoption will be held next Tuesday.
and, oh, yeah, it’s still sunny here in Paris.