in a few hours it will be four months since i pushed little sun into the world…a world he knew for 36 short hours, a world that held more pain than comfort for him, a world that no longer includes him..
i’m not okay.
i feel completely lost, and i don’t even know what to hold onto anymore.
today i found out that i have high bp and will probably need meds for it. the cardiologist is doing an ultrasound on my heart tuesday and i have a stress test on wednesday. she said she thinks it’s stress. what in the world do i have to be stressed out about?
this is one of the last ultrasounds i had:
the doctor (because doctors do ultrasounds in France) laughed and then took this picture to show us how little sun was “smelling his foot”. his nose and chubby cheeks look like they were pressed flat on the glass of a photocopier. one of my friends said he looked “Dali-esque”, and i thought, yes…my son would have a penchant for the surreal.
now it’s life that is surreal. now it’s my heart, not my son that i’ll be seeing on that screen. nothing to make me smile or dream. just my own battered heart. still beating inexplicably.