to the bright town…

in a few short hours, i am leaving for England.  it’s going to be a slightly convoluted, by very cheap journey, and i will be back in travelling mode for the first time in far too long.

i’ll be staying with two of the loveliest people i know (and believe me, i know some lovely people), and hopefully painting & drawing, playing some guitar, eating good food, wandering around town and spending time in magnificent, easy company.  again, it’s been far too long.

if it’s possible, i may post during my trip, but if not, i will take a gazillion photos with my infant camera and be sure to talk about everything when i come back.

i have to admit that i’m a bit apprehensive about tomorrow.  i’m afraid that i will break down somewhere in a train full of people and wind up crying in the toilet.  it’s such a long trip, and i won’t have the protection of Froggy and our kitties and our home.  i’m scared… it’s the first time Froggy and i will have been apart since little sun died, and i’m afraid that i don’t know how to interact with the living anymore.  am i going to be that crazy grieving mother who hunches over the photos on her phone and silently rocks back and forth, whispering to herself as tears drip from her face? it could be me…it’s absolutely possible.  if you see a woman like that on a train or on a bus somewhere, be kind to her, please.  there are so many of us out there…

how i'm feeling right now

how i’m feeling right now

before i try to sleep, i just want to say a word of thanks to everyone who has been reading this blog.  i know i have been terrible about responding to comments, and i apologize for that.  those of you who have also lost children probably understand that i’m not always okay enough to remember to respond or to have the emotional energy to respond.  i do, however, appreciate every single comment, and i often re-read them.  i also promise that i’ll try to be better about acknowledging them.

in other new, we have my prescription from the clinic in Belgium, and i just need my gynecologist’s green light for us to start trying to make a little brother or sister for little sun.  if all goes well (digits all completely twisted), i will be stabbing my belly with needles again in about three weeks.  we still don’t know if we can use little sun’s donor, though, and i don’t know how i will feel if he’s not available.  one step at a time, i guess….

what i need

what i need

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4 thoughts on “to the bright town…

  1. alwaysmy3boys

    I hope your trip is what you need it to be, and that you travel safely.

    Three weeks you say! I hope the road to Little Sun’s sibling is short and smooth.

    Reply
    1. le petit soleil Post author

      thank you for your good wishes. it was exactly what i needed. sadly, it’s going to be longer than three weeks after all. maybe there will be good news soon.

      Reply
  2. Suzanne

    “am i going to be that crazy grieving mother who hunches over the photos on her phone and silently rocks back and forth, whispering to herself as tears drip from her face? it could be me…it’s absolutely possible.”

    yes, absolutely possible. I have been that mother, too. I don’t have those days as often, but I have them. Be gentle with yourself on your trip.

    And good luck with preparing for little sun’s little brother or sister <3

    Reply
  3. le petit soleil Post author

    i mostly wasn’t that woman on my trip, so i guess that’s a small victory. i did have my moments…especially when babies were involved, but i survived and had a really good time there. thank you for writing. <3

    Reply

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