floating on a rainbow boat

a quick update

for everyone who is wondering about Sadie and her little Girl Wonder, i had an update today.  Girl Wonder is doing better and at home with her parents.  i don’t want to tell Sadie’s story (since she does such a brilliant job of it herself), but i did want to reassure everyone who may be out there worrying and wondering.  so many people have been generous and donated to help them, and i just wanted to thank you all again.  i’m going to leave the donation button up until we work out how to transfer the money.  there is a possibility that i will get to see Sadie and Girl Wonder in person, as well.  so much love to all of you <3<3<3

i apologize for the long silence. it’s been a particularly hard few months in so many ways.  we had our second failed transfer and the possibility of (living) childlessness is suddenly huge and overwhelming.  i also started a new job…for the first time in a very long time, i’m doing 9ish to 5ish in an office environment instead of teaching.  there is a new work culture to adapt to and a sea of new people to navigate.  i overheard one of my supervisors talking about her 18 month old son in the break room .  she was telling a colleague about how she speaks English with him and her husband speaks French, one parent one language….it was what we were planning on doing with little sun.  i was happy that we weren’t sitting together, because i was able to escape notice when the conversation got to be too hard for me to hear and i hurried off to the bathroom to cry, blow my nose and wash my face before returning unremarked.  my only male colleague is the only one who knows, and he pretty much pretended he didn’t hear what i said when it came up in a conversation.  i’m sure my “secret” is still safe, and i can go for a while longer without being the object of awkwardness and pity.  it’s too early to tell how i will feel about the work itself.  it has the potential to be stimulating, and it doesn’t involve being “on” the way teaching does, so maybe it will be a good change.  i’m too afraid to hope for too much at this point…  and i’ve been missing little sun so so much.  sometimes i wish he’d taken me with him….


helping Sadie and Girl Wonder (update 2)

i’m back with another quick update on the fundraiser for Sadie over at Invincible Spring.

you, dear, wonderful, generous readers…..you are renewing my shaky faith in the goodness of humans.  we’ve collected enough so far for a very nice stroller/pram and carrier as well as other baby-related bits and bobs.  i’m sure this will be immensely helpful to them.

i’ve asked Sadie to let me know when to send the money on to her, and until then, i’m going to leave the donation page open, so if you were planning to donate but haven’t yet, you still have time!

i’ve been trying to send personal emails to each donor, but i’m afraid that after having been out of town for two days, i’m a bit swamped.  i may ultimately resort to a form letter to let people know that their donations have been received, and i apologize in advance for that.

once again, thank you!

Donate Button with Credit Cards
click here to help Sadie and Girl Wonder!


helping (update)

just a quick update on my post from yesterday:

first of all, a HUGE thank you to everyone who has donated so far.  i am just overwhelmed and touched by the generosity that people have been showing, and i know that Sadie is as well.

i just wanted to let everyone know that Sadie’s blog, Invincible Spring, is back up and does not require a password now, so if you don’t know her story or if you just want to check in on her, head over there.  i’m sure she’d appreciate your emotional support and comments.

second, it would seem that there have been some language issues with PayPal.  apparently, the donation page was showing up in French even in non-Francophone countries, and that was preventing some people from donating.  this seems to be a very old known-issue related to localization and language settings in different browsers (or at least that’s how i understand it). i think that i’ve remedied the problem, but if you are still encountering this particular problem, please let me know via email (followingmysun@gmail.com), and i’ll see if i can get it sorted once and for all.   i’d really hate for people to be dissuaded from donating to such a worthy cause because of a language-based technical issue.

and finally…i’m going to be out of town from tomorrow morning until Saturday evening, and i’m not sure how much internet access i’ll have while i’m away.  i should be able to read and respond to emails, but if you write and don’t hear back from me right away, please don’t worry or think i’m ignoring you.  i’ll make sure to get in touch once i’m back home.

again, thank you all soooo sooo much!  (oh, and if you have donated and want me to include your name and/or a message for Sadie and her family with the gift card, please send me an email and let me know…i’m trying to contact people individually for this, but i don’t want to overlook anyone.)

Donate Button with Credit Cards
click here to help Sadie and Girl Wonder!


a fellow babyloss mama and friend,  the incredibly lovely Sadie from Invincible Spring, is dealing with the unimaginable right now.  her rainbow baby is in the hospital and very ill. some of you reading here know her story and know about her harrowing pregnancy, her daughter’s preterm birth and all of the medical complications that have come in wave after unrelenting wave.   we’ve watched from too far afar as Sadie and her husband have had to go through these battles alone.  Sadie’s little Girl Wonder has been a fighter from the start, and i know that there are people scattered all over the globe cheering for her and desperately hoping and praying that she will pull through and finally go home for good with her adoring but very scared parents.

when little sun died, several groups of (virtual) strangers got together and sent Froggy and me many different things: a gorgeous handmade quilt, necklaces, a subscription to a meal service and even cash.  we were (and continue to be) overwhelmed by the generosity of time, money, effort and thought put into these gifts.   the food and money helped us out in very concrete ways….even having one less meal to think about preparing was a godsend.

i bring up our experience because i’d really like to help Sadie in that same kind of concrete way that Froggy and i were helped, and i’m hoping that those of you reading here can join me.  Sadie and her husband are currently spending every free moment in the hospital with their daughter.  they are both foreigners in the country where they live, and (for reasons that every babyloss parent out there will understand) they have yet to buy many of the basic things Girl Wonder will need when they finally get to take her home.  going out shopping for baby things is obviously the last thing on their minds right now.  to help them get the things they need, i’m asking all of you out there to contribute what you can.  i’m adding a donation button to this post, and every penny that comes in will go towards an Amazon gift card that will allow them to buy what they need online and have it delivered to their home.

i know that Sadie and her husband will be grateful for whatever you can spare, and for those of you who can’t afford to help out monetarily, i know they would welcome any and all good thoughts and prayers…whatever positive energy you can put out there for Girl Wonder.

you can email me (followingmysun@gmail.com) if you have any questions.  thank you in advance, my dear (virtual) strangerfriends.

Donate Button with Credit Cards
click here to help Sadie and Girl Wonder!

just a dream

unpresent for an unbirthday

the 5th of June was supposed to be a special day… not as special as the 5th of December, but a day to celebrate, nevertheless. the idea came from my aunt, a lover of literature like me.  she called it an “unbirthday”, a word she stole from Lewis Carroll, and every year on her children’s unbirthdays, they got to choose something special to do. there were no cakes with candles or party hats or presents, but there were always smiles and laughter and (i imagine) the warm feeling of being a treasured member of a family. Continue reading

in some other place

a wing, a torch, a promise

today i got a letter from my 23-year-old self.  it was in the form of a card that i sent to my mother as i was getting ready to return to a far away Asian country.  i had no idea of where i was going to live when i got there and no idea of how i would make a living, and my mother had apparently expressed some kind of concern to me.  this has happened so many times now (the foreign country, the lack of concrete plans, the parents who think i’m crazy) that i no longer remember the exact conversation we had. in any case, i knew i had to go back (there was, after all, a girl to be wooed), and although i couldn’t explain to my mom why i had to go, i wanted her to understand that i would be okay.

i don’t remember writing the card, nor do i know how it became scarred with coffee-colored splashes, but i do recognize the handwriting and the sentiment behind the quotes as my own.  i’m not sure why she chose today to scan the card and send it to me, but i’m glad she did, because i need to be reminded of what i wrote then….i need to try to remember who i was when i wrote it, and i need to figure out if under all of this grief and disappointment and anger there is still a little bit of that same girl who said, “fuck fear,” and flew across continents and oceans to follow her heart:

dawna markova quote


that 23-year-old girl seems a lot wiser than her 40-something-year-old incarnation.  i do so hope she and Hazrat Inayat Khan are right….

sooo much

Visca Barcelona!

we left in the dark, our plane ascending until the city became nothing more than a collection of tiny amber lights.  everyone around me, including Froggy, dozed as we slid across the sky, but even though i’d slept fewer than four hours the night before, i was too excited to close my eyes. Continue reading